Finding Myself (Again) While In My Mom-Era.

When I first become a mom, I didn’t have hobbies. I worked full-time out of the house. The kids were in daycare. I had limited time to be with them. The cycle of my day was: wake up. Get ready. Drive a long commute to work. Work for 8 hours. Drive a long commute home. Daycare pick up. Have dinner. Cleanup. Bedtime. TV. Every day. I didn’t have the mental capacity for anything outside of this schedule. And TV was my only “for me” moment.

By three kids in, we were in the middle of a global pandemic. I no longer had 8-hour work days, or long commutes, but to my surprise I still didn’t have free time. Taking care of three kids from before sunrise until well after sunset never really screamed “me time”. And so, for the last five years, I definitely dove — head first — in to being a mom. Call it my mom era, if you will. My thought process was “well if I can’t do anything for myself, at least I can do everything for my kids.”

– Thoughts after one year of staying home with my kids –

My “hobbies” have been setting up sensory activities and Montessori shelf work. I organize their materials and their toys. I search online for new recipes and science experiments. I scour craft stores for our next project. I design kid-friendly gardens. I plan fun bath time themes. I commit to playgroups and story times. I seek out the good playgrounds. I pack up and drive to weekly adventures. And of course, I volunteer for every sports team, organization and classroom they’re a part of.

When I’m not directly doing something that benefits the kids in the moment, I’m doing things that indirectly benefit them at a later date. I keep a family journal. I purchase the new shoes. I research and sign up for next season’s extra-curriculars. I scrapbook our family vacations. But my biggest and most recent revelation is that those things are how I parent. If being a mom who stays home is my job, then those are my chosen responsibilities. They aren’t hobbies. They aren’t for me. Even if I enjoy them, which I do, or don’t mind doing them, which I don’t, nothing about any of the past five (nearly ten?) years has been for me. I guess I was lost in motherhood though I didn’t even really know it.

In any downtime I did have… I found myself napping (honestly…), or binge watching Netflix, or doom scrolling social media. So truly, nothing productive, or positive, or encouraging. But then something shifted.

At the end of 2023, I read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. There’s a lot in the book that surely resonates with lots of moms and there were some things I didn’t connect with at all (which actually points to a good thing for my marriage!) but something I connected with so deeply was the importance of finding a unicorn space. These are things that fill your cup. Your passion projects. Your interests, ideals… your hobbies. The things you do for you and not because you should, or need to, or someone else relies on it.

Well I sat there with the book and thought… but I don’t have hobbies — unless you count social media and TV and newsflash… it’s pretty evident no one counts that! Everything I do, prep, spend time on, money on, energy on is for my children. My daily to do list, my volunteer positions, my shopping needs, my outings, my everything. But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Isn’t that being a good mom?!

My mindset changed pretty quickly after reading that book. But it took me a full year to really implement change which I decided would be a good thing for me to do. Yes, I’m in a Mom-era but I’m still a person. The thing about doing all the things for everyone, all the time and nothing for yourself, is that it’s not that sustainable. It leads to burn out and frustration. And I was there.

I always thought that my time would come. When X happens, I’ll have time for Y. When summer starts or when school ends or when everyone is gone all day or this spring or on Monday or in January. But as the months passed and the kids grew up (and we added another baby to our family), I realized you don’t ever just get more time. There’s never just free time. It doesn’t just appear. You have to make time. You have to create a day that works for you.

So in the past few months I’ve decided to commit time to myself. Truthfully I started with something I should do (so… not a hobby): I showed up at my doctor appointments rather than rescheduling them. This was a big deal for me! Then I started adding in things I wanted to do: reading, building friendships, volunteering for non-kid things. I’ve found a way to add things into my daily routine that are for me, without taking away from the things I already value doing for my kids. It really is about balance and it really has made a difference.

Here are four things I do for me:

1. Health: Between the treadmill and my walking pad I try to get my steps in! It’s winter so going for a walk isn’t something I want to be doing. But indoor walking is a great alternative. This takes planning since I have two kids home with me during the day who don’t necessarily love that my attention isn’t on them. But I schedule every walk in my Google calendar and then excitedly check it off when it’s done!

2. Interests: Audiobooks help me in my goal to be a reader and stop me from doom scrolling. I listen to books using the Libby app (free from the public library) while I’m driving, folding laundry, waiting for kids at sports and washing dishes. It’s become something I look forward to every day, and I’ve already read 12 books this year!

3. Conversations: I know this seems like a no-brainer but when you’re home all day without other adults to talk to, it’s actually really common to not talk to other adults (besides a spouse if they’re home) for many days at a time! Sure, I text message friends but that’s not a real conversation. So now, I actually make phone calls to friends and family. I know! It’s crazy, but so good to actually sit and chat — whether I’m in the car or sitting on the couch.

4. Friendships: I make plans! They don’t always pan out because someone’s kid is bound to get sick. But making plans (not play dates!) and keeping plans and showing up and hanging out (without kids) is one of my favorite things. This month alone I’ve gone out three different times with different friends and even if it’s a quick outing or a few hours, it helps me feel more human.

The jury’s still out on what my unicorn space is, and that’s okay! One day I’ll discover it and I’ll get it added into the Google calendar so it makes the daily cut. 🙂 But until then, small changes — light hobbies — have helped me find a little more of myself during this Mom era.