Montessori: We Don’t Share.

Most think of sharing and turn taking as similar, or even, the same thing. But they’re actually very different!

Imagine if an adult came up to you and demanded you fork over your wedding ring? Or your favorite pair of shoes? Or your favorite handbag? And when you said no, (because who wouldn’t? — it’s basically stealing) everyone around you pounced on you “remember to share!” or “so-so wants that now, hand it over” or “come on, be nice!“. As adults we’d put a stop to that. So why do we insist our children share? Their favorite toy, or stuffed animal, or spot on the couch is their most prized and favorite possession. There’s no difference between our favorite items and theirs.

Now, do children need to learn to share, eventually? Of course. Are they developmentally ready, in their early childhood years, to learn what sharing is and why it’s important? No.

So rather than a forced sharing rule — try turn taking instead.

Turn-taking is different than sharing because sharing offers the child with the item no control. The words “share” are uttered and before they have a chance to think about what that means the toy is pulled (or ripped) from their hands. Let’s face it, sharing really means the other person gets the whole thing. When you encourage your child to take turns, you are leaving the child with the item all the control. When children feel in control, they feel they have options. When they have options they don’t feel the need to compete for so many resources. When they don’t need to compete, situations are less likely to escalate into fights or arguments.

Here’s how this works in our home:

Individual work spaces: A child’s work (toy, game, activity) is theirs and only theirs. There isn’t any sharing. My children define their work/play space with some type of mat or rug and as long as their materials are contained on their space, it’s theirs. A sibling cannot come and just grab, take or “share”. You have to ask “can I play with you?” — the person with the activity can choose to answer yes or no and both responses are respected and supported by me. A yes means the person joining, joins the activity already in play. He or she can’t ask to join the marble run and then take it all down and start over, for example. Instead, they ask “what are you building?” or “what should I help with?”

No means no: If someone asks for something and is met with a no — that’s okay! If Lola asks Javi if she can have something and he doesn’t want her to, he’ll say “you can have this when I’m done”. She might leave his side happily. Javi will finish his turn and Lola knows she’s going to get a turn soon.

Teaching boundaries: Sometimes, someone cries. But that’s also okay! It hurts to see one child upset. But just because one is upset and crying doesn’t mean it’s okay to give in “don’t you see she’s crying?? give her what she wants!” isn’t a positive approach for anyone. Not only does the child who is crying associate crying with getting what they want, but it creates a feeling for the child who isn’t crying that they owe the item to the upset sibling because they made them upset. Which isn’t true. It’s not one child’s responsibility to cradle that feeling. So that’s when I come in, “Javi, Lola really wants to use this activity, can you let her know when you put it away?” He’ll say yes and I’ll redirect Lola — “Lola, you really want to use what Javi has, and it’s his turn right now. Let’s read a book together”. This way needs are met for both, rather than taking from one to give to another.

Teaching empathy: In the beginning, you might need to give gentle reminders. “Remember, Lola really wants to use this work, please let her know when you’re finished” is sometimes all it takes. But sometimes, depending on the day or the toy, someone may not release it so easily. Children have no concept of time. For the child waiting, it can be torturous and they’ll  say it’s been days that someone else has had the toy! But this time can also teach patience for the child waiting, and empathy for the child with the desired item. The next time Javi wants something Lola has I remind him “remember when she really wanted what you had? You used it until you were done and she’s going to do the same.” This is helpful for the next time. Eventually, he’ll remember he didn’t like waiting, and will be gracious with his use of the material next time. If this a struggle, you could implement a visual timer though I will say it causes more stress in our home and I don’t really recommend them! However, many families say they work!

Collaboration: I can already hear you! Don’t you need to teach children about sharing? Of course! That’s why open-ended toys are so great — blocks, magna-tiles, even a kitchen set. But let’s call this what it is: collaboration. Collaborating on a game, activity or project is much different than sharing. Collaboration means children have a common goal and they’re working together — maybe building a fort, or having a tea party. Time is spent setting up, designing the game, working together. Sharing means (usually) an adult splits up the tracks or the trains or the wheels so everyone has the same amount and children play parallel to each other — with the same material but without much interaction. (For this, let one child have all the pieces and the other children can wait their turn.) If collaboration is happening, then a “you need to share” command by you won’t be necessary because the children will already be positively communicating. They’ve already had the “can I play with you” discussion, the answer was yes, and they are purposefully working.

What’s mine is mine: Many of our activities are fair game to be used by all. They are stored in our playroom or in some main part of the house and children take turns or collaborate to use them and that’s great. Some things, though, are just off limits to others. My wedding ring and my laptop, for example, are not things I’m willing to give up. My son’s legos are the same. My daughter’s favorite baby doll is the same. Some items should be one person’s and there’s nothing wrong with that. There shouldn’t be any pressure to finish a turn and pass the object on to someone else. We make sure to store these special items in locations (like a child’s bedroom) so they are safe and not left out for someone else to pick up and use. 

I’d love to hear how you approach this in your home!