In the past, I’ve shared a bit about the feelings and emotions I had after my first labor and delivery experience but I haven’t outwardly shared about my struggles with postpartum depression.

During my pregnancy with Javi, I did a lot of research about how to care for a newborn. We went to the classes the hospital gives, we read books, and blogs and talked to lots of people about how they successfully parent. We had a doctor lined up, his room was beautifully arranged and we had everything he could want or need.

So I was surprised, when after delivery, I wasn’t over-the-moon happy. I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t expect to feel so badly after delivery. And I didn’t realize how long it would take me to physically feel like myself again. I started crying in the hospital and didn’t stop crying, even for a day, until after Javi’s first birthday.

You read that right. For an entire year, I cried. Every. Single. Day.

Why did I cry? I cried because I was in physical pain, had to give myself daily blood thinner injections in my stomach and breastfeeding was hard. I cried because I was afraid he was going to stop breathing in his sleep. I cried because of his belly button (nothing ever told me it just falls off) and over his weight checks and because I had to give him formula and then because his belly button actually got infected. I cried when I couldn’t sleep at night because any quiet squeal, moan or groan had me up and staring at him thinking I had failed him in some way.

I cried because he cried. I cried if he didn’t sleep. I cried if he slept for too long. I cried because he didn’t like to be alone so I would hold him all day and I never figured out how to shower, or eat or nap. I cried because pumping while holding him was hard. I cried when I had to go back to work and he had to go to daycare. And then, I cried on the days when I didn’t work and I stayed home with him.

I cried because people told me it was normal to cry and that it was just my hormones. 

Looking back, I know they were trying to be kind, but… it’s not normal to cry every single day. I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety. I waited too long to acknowledge it, to talk about it, and to bring it up to my doctor. But as soon as I did, and started medication to feel better — I felt better. Funny, how that works.

So, while preparing for this second time around I read a lot about what I could do differently in an attempt to not experience the same feelings, emotions or anxiousness as last time.

What I’ve changed:

I sleep. Sounds so basic, right? At night, we’ve moved Lola to Sean’s side of the bed so that I can sleep. With Javi on my side of the bed, I could never relax enough to actually fall asleep. During the day, I nap when she naps.

I eat. Again, not rocket science. But when we had Javi, we didn’t keep food in the house. Sounds crazy, I know. But we ate out a lot and grocery shopping just wasn’t something in our routine. So I was hungry, and getting him out of the house was a process. So I just wouldn’t eat. Now, I’m happy to say that food shopping is something we do (ha).

I shower. It’s amazing what a shower can do for your self-esteem. Some days, I move the rock ‘n play into the bathroom with me and sometimes I put her in the swing. I’ll admit, it’s not a relaxing shower (7 minutes, maybe). But enough time to wash off the spit up, brush my teeth and at least change into a new pair of sweats.

I blog. As in, I’ve maintained my hobbies. Last time, I didn’t want to do anything — at all. This time, I’ve made it a point to continue doing things I like.

What we’ve changed:

We purged. Last time, I felt like our house was a disaster. This past summer, in preparation for bringing home Lola, we purged the whole house. We got a dumpster and went through every room. Less stuff = less mess = less stress.

We minimized. This is similar to purging but slightly different so I’ll mention it. But let’s talk bottles for a second. Last time, we could never find the time to wash bottles so we had a million bottles (avent and medela + pump parts) and they would stack up and taunt me from the kitchen sink until eventually we would have used up all of them and the sink would be full of things we had to hand wash. TERRIBLE. This time, I have one set of pump parts, I wash them immediately after use and we have 2 bottles in rotation. So. Much. Better.

We have a routine. This one is thanks to the toddler in the house, but we have a routine now. I’m used to staying in, sitting on the couch every night by 7PM, and in general doing the same thing every day. Last time, this was a major change and majorly affected my mood and attitude.

We diffuse. I wasn’t totally sold on this, but I’m telling you, it’s helping. I read that essential oils can greatly impact your emotions and outlook. So, we got a diffuser and I really think it’s helping.

Some thing I still need to improve on:

Of course, everyone (Sean, family, friends, doctors) have told me that since I experienced postpartum depression last time, I’m at a higher risk to experience it this time, too. So I’m constantly looking into things that I can do to help with this. I know I need to get better at leaving the house — going out, driving places, even going for a walk. I’m hesitant because it’s flu season but the other day I got out of the house and felt instant relief (relief I didn’t even realize I needed). But then it occurred to me that I hadn’t been out in 6 days!

So, even though, we’re just two and a half weeks into this whole two kids thing — I’m feeling pretty optimistic about it. I cried ONCE (not bad considering, like I said, last time I cried every day). It feels very different than the first time around (when I was scared and nervous and couldn’t breathe). I feel less anxious (at times, I even think I know what I’m doing!). But of course, just like the last time, I love these kids more than anything.